Usually I only write funny posts but I decided to be serious
today. I am writing this post in response to “My
Naked Truth” blog post written for Huffington Post. In her piece, Robin Korth
describes an intimate encounter with a man who was turned off by her body.
Specifically, there was one part of the story that drew me in- when confronting
her love interest on the phone about why he would not make love to her, he said
“I like your head and your heart. But, I just can't deal with your body." When
I read these words, I felt a pang in my heart that transported me back into
time, when I man said something very similar to me.
Before I talk about my own incident, let me give a brief
background of my life when it comes to weight and body image issues. I was a fat
kid. I was teased for it. I was laughed at when admitting to crushes on certain
boys in high school, because I should have KNOWN they wouldn't want me. 15
years ago, it was a challenge to find cute age appropriate plus size clothing –
way harder than it is now- so I was also an outsider for not having a
fashionable wardrobe. And while I had some sweet, awesome boyfriends of various
sizes that told me how beautiful I was , I still encountered my share of
assholes who had no problem telling me how much more attractive I would be if I
just lost weight. And that's the problem: once you hear something
negative about yourself, it often sticks in your head much longer than something
positive. So for years, I thought that if I just lost weight, the quality of my
relationships, be them work related, friendships, or romantic, would improve.
Fast forward about 10 or so years. After a huge weight loss
followed by some fluctuations, I was 5’6” at a size 12 when I met a man who was
a minister at a church I was attending. He started flirting with me and in a
few months we were dating. He spent a lot of time with me and was very attentive.
In hindsight I realize what I mistook for affection was really a combination of
his loneliness and search for a perfect woman. And by perfect I mean the
spiritual fortitude of Coretta Scott King, the voice of Mahalia Jackson and the
body of Beyonce.
One night we were in my living room cuddled up when he grabs
at my stomach and goes “jelly jelly!” and NOT in a way that denoted that he
like jelly ( and also NOT words a 35 year old man should use when talking to another
adult.) Apprehensively, I asked him if he had a problem with my body. He
proceeds to tell me he does not usually date women as “big” as I am but he likes me
and my family, and my mom ( who hooked us up) is so nice…blah blah blah. He
then proceeded to lift my shirt and examine my stomach (why a “celibate”
preacher would do such a thing is a topic for another post) and asks me if my
stretch marks would go away if I lost weight.
This is where the story gets embarrassingly painful to
write. Not because of what he said, but because of how I handled it. What
proceeded was weeks of me still dating this loser, trying to have conversation
with him about why he couldn’t except me as I was, countered with him saying that since I was thinner before I could get thinner again. Weeks of me
skipping lunch and not wanting to eat around him. Weeks of me wondering why my
weight was why I was still technically “single” (It wasn’t the reason. It NEVER
is.) Weeks of me reminding him that Proverbs 31 says nothing about the virtuous
woman’s weight. Until finally, HE called things off.
After we broke up I was relived. But even more than that, I
was angry. I was angry at him, yes, but even more so at myself. The second he
made the first comment about my weight I should have done exactly what the
author did and ended thingswith him. But, when you were the fat girl, mentally,
a part of you is still always the fat girl. A part of you just wants to be
accepted the way you are. You remember the difference in how people treated you
when you were 250lbs vs. when you were 150lbs. I didn’t have very many
insecurities – I considered myself smart, well educated, pretty, independent,
witty, compassionate and funny- but on a bad day, the one insecurity of my body
could outweigh all the other things I liked about myself. I was mad at myself
for letting this man get the best of that insecurity. I knew deep down that
wanting his acceptance was less about him and more about me. I knew that I was
trying to use him as a proxy for my own self acceptance.
That was four years ago. Since then I’ve been wined and
dined and loved on by quite a few nice, smart successful and VERY physically
attractive men. But, more importantly, I developed a more que sera, sera, (fuck
you) attitude about dating that no longer lets me ignore read flags such as
disapprovingly grabbing at my jelly. As I said before, I do have bad days where
I do feel fat or not so attractive, but fortunately the days where I feel
strong, healthy and radiant outnumber them. Now when I lose weight, it’s more
about being healthy and preventing health issues and being able to fit into my
favorite jean than gaining the approval of others. I realize there are many
more factors that make up a long lasting relationship that physical appearance,
and I know longer look for a man or society
to approve of my body in order to feel good about myself.
Since my weight fluctuates more than Jessica Simpson’s and
Oprah’s combined, I have gained and lost several pounds since then. Recently I saw Mr. Jelly at an event. He was
looking the same, but I was about 20lb thinner since he had last seen me. In
true shallow man fashion, he followed me around making awkward small talk and
telling me how good I looked until my mother rescued me from the conversation. “He’s
only talking to you because you lost weight,” she said. I knew she was right. But
she didn’t have to worry about me wanting to get back with him.
